Because.

One year ago this week (Tuesday), my knee looked like this.

Roughly 10 hours later I was back in my bed with my leg looking like this. Thankfully, I remember very little of the in-between (other than the nerve block [OW], waking up the first time, vomiting, and various random pieces from the ride home).

A couple days later I had the great revealing.

It actually didn't look half bad (all the bruising was on the back).

Two week check-up, I got to see what they had done.

That crack/lighter area from the top of the bone above the screws to a ways below them?

That's a purposeful break. And yes, it does hurt when they break your tibia. I promise.

I had done everything possible to avoid this surgery. Therapy, braces, more therapy, orthotics, not doing anything active, and more therapy. It's not a fun surgery and sometimes it doesn't work. But I was desperate to be able to sleep a night through without the aching or to be able to run without a dislocation..

I did it out of desperation.

God turned it into a blessing.

He took the therapy that I did and all the time I spent rehabbing. All the time I spent on crutches and in braces, and gave me a heart for people who are going through the same kind of thing. He took what I originally thought was horrible and awful, and turned it into a blessing.

Because of my knee, I have an understanding for those who are frustrated.

Because of my knee, I have a sympathy for those who are feeling defeated.

Because of my knee, I discovered my Love for people who are hurting.

Because of my knee, I discovered what God was trying to show me.

It was right in front of my face the whole time. I enjoyed going to PT. Weird, I know. But I was intrigued by watching the therapists and the athletic trainers work with their patients. The way they interacted. The knowledge they had. I never realized He was showing me something that would make such an impact in my life!

It did finally click. And I am on my way to PTA school in a matter of months... I love how He once again, took something that was such a pain at one time and turned it into something I am incredibly excited about. It just goes to show that He knows me better than I know myself!

Reminders.

I think we all struggle with this to a point. We get hit with something scary or intimidating, and we freeze. We don't think coherently. We don't make sense. We're irrational. We don't want to be rational. We want a quick fix and an easy out of whatever just happened that we don't like.

Last week, Tuesday, May 10th was the 4 year mark since Mom had been diagnosed with cancer. That's one of those days that you wake up feeling so blessed to be celebrating that she is still here, while at the same time wondering what the future holds.

When Mom was sick one of the things I struggled with was not instantly reacting to everything we were faced with. I can fake a calm front, but inside I am going nuts as I try to get a grasp of what's going on and figure out what I can do to fix it.

On Tuesday, I had just finished one of my final exams when I got a text from Mom. This in itself was weird enough, she rarely texts me... "Am on my way to ED having hard time breathing maybe asthma."

First, Mom never goes to the ED. She hates the ED.

Second, her asthma never gets that bad.

Third, I froze. I couldn't really speak and was too scared to move.

All the memories came rushing back. The memories of sitting in the living room as Mom and Dad told us our lives had just changed. Of waiting for Mom during her first surgery, and the sick feeling I got when I saw her in her hospital room. The memories of emergency trips to the hospital because she was so dehydrated and couldn't stop vomiting.

That's all that I could think about.... Thankfully God gave me exactly what I needed at that time, including immediate reminders that He was in control. He had a purpose. Mom was in the best place she could be, no matter what was going on. A reminder to pray. To trust. To listen to Him. I kind of wish I had a voice recorder and could replay those reminders every time I start freaking out... I need those reminders, and sometimes they have to be verbal, right then, in my face.

Every time I think that I am getting a grasp on trusting Him and knowing what's going on, He gives me a reminder that I don't have it all figured out. That there is always more room to grow.

This was one of His more shocking, less gentle reminders. A reminder I am thankful for, but nonetheless still caused my heart to skip a beat or six.

I realized a couple days later that while I was focused on all the negative things that came from what Mom went through I was completely glancing over the joys that came from that time... Scrabble games during chemo, hat and scarf shopping, laughing over silly wigs, the amazing meals people brought our family, the lessons I learned about caring for my sisters, playing with sea-cucumbers in Newfoundland, breakwall jumping on the last day of radiation, Dad Loving Mom in sickness and in health, my walk with Christ becoming my own, late night prayer times, getting to show Christ to all of the nurses, doctors, and techs we came in contact with, and most importantly, our strengthening as a family in Christ.

These are all incredible experiences, and these are just a few. The list could go on forever. The storm that we were going through has come to be one of our biggest blessings. I'm not saying that there weren't negative impacts in some ways - there were. But overall, the things that God grew us in during the year and a half of treatment is priceless.

I am thankful to Him for the reminders He gives us. I am thankful that He gives grace when we need it. I am thankful He takes our trials and turns them into testimonies of His Power. I am thankful He gives us the strength and encouragement we need, exactly when we need it. His timing is perfect in the things He shows us, the people He places around us, and all that He does. There is no doubt!

(Mom is ok now, for those who just got to the end of this and are wondering.. After spending all day in ED, we think it was an allergic reaction to walnuts. =(. I can promise you, she will not be eating any anytime soon!)

One Bridge Crossed

The last two weeks have been a flurry of final activities; final projects, final papers, final quizzes, final exams, final classes, final study sessions, and final days of work.. All leading up to one final night at the college, complete with cap, gown, not one but two tassels, PTK stole, and a blingy medallion.

I have spent the majority of the last two years in the same six bui

ldings, with the same group of people. We have become friends, study buddies, and motivators. Most of my favorite memories of the last two years include something at the college. Whether it was studying in the library or out on the grass in the sunshine, trudging through the snow/rain/sleet, taking a break to walk the nature trail, working out in the gym, stocking

shelves, packing boxes, or just relaxing and talking.. I have made friends that are close to my heart.

Within the last week I have come to the realization that life is going to change in the next couple months. I like routine and having a set schedule through the week. I knew when I had to be where, and who I would see each day (to a point). To be honest, I took great security in that. As I said goodbye to my friends last night, I was struck with the desire to keep those friendships alive. This summer it will be easy, but this fall it will become more difficult.

The story of David and Jonathan emphasizes the importance of friendship.

The soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved hi

m as himself."

(1 Samuel 18:1)

"Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself."

(1 Samuel 18:3)

"Jonathan, Saul's son, greatly delighted in David."

(1Samuel 19:1)

The two of them have a sweet story. They were incredibly close and had a relationship that speaks of humility and selflessness. Yet, Saul was jealous and suspicious towards David and tried to kill him more than once. Because of this, David had to leave for his own safety.

Thankfully, none of my friend's fathers are trying to use me as a dart board. That would bite... Also, as far as I'm aware, my friends aren't going to be overtaken and killed by Philistines. Which would also bite.

What strikes me though, is their selflessness. They each strove to serve one another, no matter the consequences. Near or far, that is truly important to a successful relationship of any kind.

We are told to..

"And all of you, clothe [ourselves] with humility toward one another,

for God is opposed to the proud and gives grace to the humble (1 Peter 5:5)."

The more I read this verse, the more I am comforted about being away fro

m both my friends and family. If I am putting myself in a position where I am serving them and acting towards them in humility He will grant me grace.

In Bible Study this week we defined grace as "the strength to endure." Life isn't easy, but when we ask Him and trust that He will give us the strength that we need to endure the challenges set before us, He will. He will give me the grace to endure the new challenges. He will give me grace as I make new friends, acclimate myself to a new area, meet new professors, and adjust to communication via phone/text/FB/e-mail/letter with my family and friends... And His grace will be sufficient.

Beautiful, Scandalous Night

Pandora is my new best friend, now that I came to the realization that it will work on my phone off of the 3G! It played this song today, and I thought it was pretty much the perfect timing. I have to say, I am loving this song. It is beautiful, both in music and lyrics!!!

Go on up to the mountain of mercy

To the crimson perpetual tide

Kneel down on the shore

Be thirsty no more

Go under and be purified

Follow Christ to the holy mountain

Sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall

Cleanse your heart and your soul

In the fountain that flows

For you and for me and for all

At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree

On that beautiful, scandalous night you and me

We're atoned by His blood and forever washed white

On that beautiful, scandalous night

On the hillside, you will be delivered

At the foot of the cross justified

And your spirit restored

By the river that pours

From our blessed Savior's side

(Robbie Seay Band)

That beautiful, scandalous night led to the glorious, miraculous morning we celebrate today!!

He is Risen!

Easter Thoughts

Easter Sunday is tomorrow... Preparing for Worship I am listening to the set list as I do my homework (or rather, as I am continually getting distracted and not doing my homework).

Broken people call His name
Helpless children praise the King
Nothing brings Him greater fame
When broken people call His name

Lift high, your chains undone
All rise, exalt the Son
Jesus Christ, the Holy One
We lift our eyes to You

Sinners all exalt the Son
Your ransom paid and freedom won
We will see His Kingdom Come
When sinners all exalt the Son
(Lift High)

I never knew death could be so sweet
I never knew surrender could feel so free
I never seen such meekness in majesty
That the blood of Jesus was bled for me

And now I sing freedom for all my days
It's only by the power of the cross I'm raised
The King of Glory rescued me

How beautiful the blood flow
How merciful the love show
The King of glory poured out
Victorious are we now

Never knew through these nails would love unfold
And never knew these wounds would heal my soul
I've never seen such beauty and sorrow meet
The blood of Jesus was bled for me

And now I sing freedom for all my days
It's only by the power of the cross I'm raised
The King of Glory rescued me

(Beautiful the Blood)

I'm pretty excited about tomorrow =).

And one of my current favorites..

At the cross I find the beauty of Your matchless grace
At the cross I see a King who died to take my place
It's the moment that You made me clean and pardoned my soul
Amazing grace that I would be allowed unto Your throne
Not by my own will but solely by Your will alone
I'm unworthy of this love you have shown to me
I see my desperate need

The beauty of the cross is that there's One who has redeemed my soul
Beauty of the cross is that I'm finally free and letting go
Beauty of the cross is that Your grace has found me just as I am

Not by my own works that I may boast or I may come
But simply through your Son the sinless and Exalted One
Only through the cross that I'm made clean to draw near to you
Saved so that you would receive all glory due Your name
Everlasting God from age to age you never change
A true love story remains for all eternity
That all the world would see

My sinful soul could only be
Redeemed by the blood of a sinless King
So you came to the world that You had made
Conquered sin on the cross and You rose from the grave

That's the beauty of the cross.

Deyanu!

"Blessed are You, O Lord our God,

Ruler of the universe, who has set us apart by His Word,

and in whose Name we light the festival lights."

Forty-three people this year, from 8 weeks old, to 80 years old. Gathered together to celebrate The Passover. We have done this as a family every year since I can remember. Sometimes traveling, sometimes with others, sometimes in our home, and this year, we shared it with many of our closest friends.

The Passover is a time to remember. A time to reflect on the way that Moses became one of God's Mighty Men, as he was used as the instrument that would lead the Lord's people out of captivity. A time to remember the bloodshed, the tears, sweat, and hard work that they endured.. How they were redeemed when they spread the blood of the Passover lamb over their doors, guarding them from great and final plague.

This is analogous of the bloodshed, tears, and sweat that Christ gave up for me. He is my Passover Lamb. He came to us fully human and 100% God, and because of the blood that He shed for me, my sins have been erased. Like the Israelites that night, I don't have to live any longer in fear of death.

As we celebrated together this year, I was struck by one word. Oddly enough, it's the same word that usually stands out to me during the Seder, but one that I tend to forget in-between (maybe because we eat right after this part? ;-)).

Deyanu

(It would have been sufficient)

They will celebrate Your abundant goodness

and joyfully sing of Your righteousness.

Psalms 145:7

The Haggadah tells of the things that the Lord did for the Israelites, and after each it declares "deyanu!" He could have done so much less for them than He did. But He has done so much more than "enough." I got brutally honest with myself last night, and made my own "deyanu list" and realized that He really has gone above and beyond...

If the Lord had only given me Himself,

but not a family that loves me for who I am,

Deyanu!

If the Lord had gotten me through high school,

but had not allowed me to be homeschooled,

Deyanu!

If the Lord had only shown us how to heal my knee,

but had not brought me a career through it,

Deyanu!

If the Lord had simply shown me His Love,

but had not taught me to Love in the same way,

Deyanu!

If the Lord had only brought our family closer to Him,

but had not healed Mom,

Deyanu!

If the Lord had only shown me a glimpse of Grace,

and not given it to me endless times,

Deyanu!

If the Lord just gave us His Word,

and didn't speak to me in other ways,

Deyanu!

If the Lord allows me to Love on the children of those around me,

but doesn't give me children of my own someday,

It will be sufficient!

If the Lord only works through me,

and doesn't make me "successful",

It will be sufficient!

This word is so powerful.. I get so caught up in wanting more, more, and more. But as I sat down with a pen and paper and composed this list, it knocked me on my back. Or rather, on my knees. I do not deserve all that He has given me. I do deserve death. I deserve to spend eternity in Hell. But because of His Love, Grace, and Mercy, He has supplied all I could ever need. He has been so generous to me, and so good. And for that I am so thankful to Him. I have no way to adequately express it, but thankfully He has given me my lifetime to live out my thanks to Him.

Blessed are You, O God, for you have, in mercy,

supplied all our needs. You have given [me] Messiah,

forgiveness for sin, life abundant and life everlasting.

Hallelujah!

Tangled

Summer is on it's way.. How do I know?

Easy, I went clothes shopping today. Every year it's the same challenge; find cute/sporty/feminine clothing that's not too tight, too high, too short, too low, or too transparent.

This year is no exception... I walked out of the mall with much less then normal, which is probably because I was looking specifically for dress clothes and a swimsuit.. Two of the hardest things to find this time of year.

Every year this frustrates and saddens me more than the previous year. Please don't get me wrong, it's not because I don't want to make the effort to do it, it's because it makes me sad that it is such a challenge to dress in a way that doesn't make my brothers in Christ want to go hide in a dark closet somewhere. I have purchased my share of things I shouldn't have, and I have taken things back many times after rethinking it when I got home. I see so many girls try to honor them, and honestly don't know of any that succeed every single day. It seems it's easy to let your guard down and slip up.. Which I know I've done myself.

Some days I feel like I am walking a tightrope and other days it's easy to feel cute while being modest.. I don't recommend shopping on those tightrope days, or shortly after purging your closet going "I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!" If you're anything like me, you end up with nothing but empty hands and the feeling of being beaten once again.

After a day of feeling defeated by the clearance racks and "50% off" signs, I got to thinking about why I do this. For the longest while it was because I wouldn't have been let out of the house alive dressed immodestly (Thank you, Dad! [and Mom, too]). Now though, it is because I have realized three things.

1. God looks at the heart, not how much skin I'm showing... I have a feeling the more skin I show, the more it hurts Him as He watches me dishonor the body He gave me.

2. I have two little sisters watching me. The example I set with how much I groan about shopping, making the effort to be modest, and how react to Mom and Dad's criticism/correction is being watched closely by them. They're bright girls and don't miss much.

3. There is a man somewhere who ultimately, I am doing this for. If I truly Love him "all the days of my life," I will make the effort to honor him now.

I saw Tangled this weekend for the first time, and not only is it absolutely hysterical and had us all in stitches, it's a super cute love story. I think one of the final lines sums my thoughts up nicely, and gives me the motivation I need to continue the challenge before me.. If we take up the challenge to serve our brothers, and honor our husbands and our Lord, then someday they will say of us:

"She was a princess worth waiting for."