On My Side

Somedays it seems you are better off going back to bed before you even get out from under the covers.. Today was one of those days; after tossing and turning and thus not sleeping at all last night as well as not feeling well, the last thing I wanted to do was get up. Up I got though, throwing on clean shorts and a tshirt and rushing to spend the morning watching some of my most-favorite little people, giggling and playing with PlayDoh (seriously, who knew a 3 year old could actually sit still for 2 hours?!)

Once home I promptly stretched out and slept for almost an hour and a half, waking up to a letter from my sweet Cali-friend. There are few things better than a letter from one of your most special friends, especially when it contains the pure wisdom of scripture.. She wrote encouragement from 1 Corinthians and Psalms, reminding me that His ways are perfect, He is good, and that when I am weak I am truly strong in Him.. It was exactly what I needed to hear, today. Even though it was postmarked the 2nd. He knew I needed it *today.*

Flip forward through roughly two hours of studying, and I pick up "Come Thirsty" by Max Lucado. This is the first book by Max that I've really ever read.. And I've been working on it for close to a month. I wasn't reading it as fast as I'd hoped and have tried to read a chapter a day.. However, today the chapter discussed the power we have in the Holy Spirit. How He intercedes for us to the Father when we are broken beyond words. It told the story of a young girl, Hannah (no joke), who was bullied mercilessly. When she was threatened by the bully, she replied with simple, pure faith...

"The older student warned Hannah to prepare for battle. 'Any day now I'm coming after you.' Hannah didn't flinch or cry. She simply informed the perpetrator about the facts. 'Do whatever you need to do,' she explained. 'But just know this: God is on my side.'"

The faith of a ten-year old. It worked; she wasn't bullied again. Apparently even middle schoolers understand the power of our Lord.

It doesn't matter what we face, He is always on our side. He is always standing in front of us anticipating the attacks from the bully. Whether a coworker, friend, sickness, or death. Whatever the enemy throws at us, we have the stronger fight because of Him. The best part about this chapter was the encouragement that we don't always have to know what to say to Him. Romans 8:26-27 talks about how the Holy Spirit intercedes for us. He is there not only to guide us, but also to go to the throne for us. To explain when we can't even comprehend what is going on. I am reading the book slow, yes, but He knew that I needed this today. Not two weeks ago, or even yesterday.

Two messages in the same day. A day I would've rather passed by. Instead, He used a letter and a book to speak to my heart and remind me that I am not the strong one - but He is. To comfort me in the knowledge that I don't always have the words to say to Him, but the Holy Spirit does. And to most of all help me to remember that He is good, perfect, and pure; and He is on my side.

Jeremiah

From Jeremiah...


'Return, faithless Israel,' declares the Lord; 'I will not look upon you in anger. For I am gracious,' (3:12)

Go up through her vine rows and destroy, but do not execute a complete destruction. Strip away her branches, for they are not the Lord's. (5:10)

"Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who exercises lovingkindness, justice, and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things," declares the Lord. (9:23-24)

I know, O Lord, that a man's way is not in himself; Nor is it in a man who walks to direct his steps. (10:23)

"Listen to My voice, and do according to all which I command you; so you shall be My people, and I will be your God (11:4)

Thou has planted them, they have also taken root; They grow, they have even reproduced fruit. Thou art near to their lips but far from their mind. But Thou knowest me, O Lord; Thou seest me; and Thou dost examine my heart's attitude toward Thee. (12:2-3)

Thy words were found and I ate them, and Thy words became for me a joy and the delight of my heart... (15:16)

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but it's leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit. (17:7-8)

But the Lord is with me like a dread champion... (20:11)

'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.' (29:11-13)

"I will put my law within them, and on their heart I will write it; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people." (31:33)


Throughout the book of Jeremiah, there is a theme of God desiring His people to come to Him and follow Him, for which He will reward them. He calls His people to listen to His voice and do what He commands them to do. To not boast in anything of ourselves, but only in knowing and understanding Him.

I've been reading Job, Jeremiah, Ruth, Esther.. The accounts of people who were in a situation where God was changing and molding them, either because they were strong in His sight or because they were severely lacking in an understanding of Who He is.

Spiritually right now, I am drinking in all that He is showing me of Himself. I am loving the precious times in His word. I am thankful that I am home to learn and fellowship with my family and my church family. I am enjoying being back with my friends and laughing, knowing I am safe with them, knowing we share the common tie of Christ...
Humanly, I am wishing He didn't have quite so much confidence in me. At times where it seems like He knows exactly where my breaking point is and He is bending me to within a millimeter of it... I just want to be done already. I want Him to take His hands off of me and give me a break. I want Him to step back and let me breathe. I want Him to say "ok, enough is enough. You could use a break."

And yet, the messes seem to hit one after the other. Big, little, catastrophic, minor, it doesn't matter. They roll in just when I think life has a chance of evening out.

That's the problem though... It is not about what "I think." As I have read through Jeremiah, I have seen that everything is about what He wants. And if He knows that making me uncomfortable, weary, and otherwise fried will make me run to Him as I try to see how to get through a day... Then He will allow those messes to enter into my life. If He knows that one more thing will bring me to the breaking point where I find myself on my knees by my bed crying for His grace; He will allow it. He wants me to come to Him, finding my reward in His embrace.

I am comforted knowing that He doesn't sit up on His throne and snap His fingers to watch me scramble for solid footing. He doesn't stomp His foot to make me catch my breath in fear. Instead, He has me cupped inside His hands, and He is filtering the things that He allows to enter my life through His fingers. He does know what I can handle. He does know my heart, my thoughts, and my emotions. He knows. He wants His words to be my joy. He wants His Love to be the Love I yearn for. He wants me to know that no matter what changes here on earth, that He will never change. He is the only steady thing. The only One I can count on being there forever. Sometimes, that is the only comfort we have to hold on to. And sometimes, it's the only one that we need.

Endless

The new song on repeat this week, along with the title track of this album, 10,000 Reasons.

How I cannot wait to see Him face-to-face. To fully understand and comprehend all that He did for me... Because He Loves me. To see His face, and kneel before His feet. On that day I will be with Him forever, the things of the earth forgotten, my only focus worshiping Him.

Until that point, may He do all necessary to make my life an endless hallelujah to the King. My Lord. My Abba. The One I know will never leave me or be finished working in me, as He shapes me into a woman who Loves Him more than anything else. A woman who fully believes that to live is Christ, and to die and enter His presence is gain.

Why?

I have decided, I love loving people. I love encouraging them, showing them the positives, pushing them to go on, and getting a smile out of them. Even with people I know, I always find joy in getting a smile out of them. That's the best part about what I'm doing right now - Loving people. I am working with people who have had pain for years, or people who are not used to pain and are suddenly in a world of it. They have little to no hope, and they are discouraged with their progress, or lack thereof.

This week at my clinical was even more heart breaking, as I was placed in a position where I was working with people who were hurting emotionally, not just physically. A senior at the local high school shot himself the morning of graduation last weekend. In his house, where his Mom found him. From what I've gathered it was completely unexpected. He was a "good kid" and one that seemed to have quite a few friends. The speculation about "why" was the hottest topic during any conversation this week. Why would he do that? Why the morning of graduation? Why didn't his parents see it coming? Why in the house? Why?

We often ask "why?" Whether a little kid is curious asking it in response to every sentence directed at them, or a college student is trying to understand a concept. As a word it means "for what reason, cause, or purpose." The purpose part is what I think we most often question. What purpose does this bring? Especially when something is painful, we often cannot see the purpose behind it. I feel horribly sad for the people who look at a situation like this and see absolutely no hope. They have nothing to hold on to, nothing to provide any peace or comfort. Nothing but sheer, raw pain.

As a man or woman of Christ though, we have an answer to any "why" that may come our way. Whether it is a sickness, death, or sudden change we weren't expecting. In the same way that so many people in the Bible suffered, whether the blind man, the lame man, the woman who bled, Hannah, Rachel or Sarah being childless, or Esther being plucked from her life and put in a foreign situation. All of those culminated to a beautiful glorification of God. Those people showed trust, with a strength that is so rarely seen today. Because of that they radiated God.. I half expect that when the enemy looked at them he could barely see them as God's light reflected off of their hearts. Their unwavering trust that God was not punishing them, but rather refining them, led to the desires of their hearts in a timing that honored Him. Even Job, who lost everything that he held dear to him (minus one nagging wife and a few troublesome friends), acknowledged that he would come forth as gold (Job 23:10). If we radiate His Love that strongly, the enemy won't be able to see us to get to us, because our hearts and heads will be so firmly covered in Him.

They took the hard times, and they trusted. They prayed God's Word back to Him. They held Him to His power. They acknowledged His wisdom was greater than anything they could understand, yet they came to Him broken. So broken that they had nothing left but Him. And in that moment, they reflected His Love to those around them. They shone as gold, coming through the trial stronger and with a deeper understanding of Who He is.

I am thankful for this perspective, and realized even more this week how badly I want those around me to be aware of it as well. To know the hope that He brings, even when nothing makes sense. I not only work with people through the day, I pray for them.. There are times when the hurt is so strong, so deep, that nothing but prayer can ease it, and nothing but His word can soothe the sting, and when the only answer to the "why?" is "wait."

Achingly Transparent

A beautiful day. Blue sky, green grass, a picnic table in the sun... Yet there are tears smearing the words I write. I pray this aloud through the tears as I write, with no other words to say I am thankful that He gives me the words.

Behold, I go forward but You are not there,

And backward, but I cannot perceive You;

When You act on the left, 

I cannot behold You;

You turn on the right,

I cannot see You.

But You know the way I take;

When You have tried me,

I shall come forth as gold.

My foot has held fast to Your path;

I have kept Your way and not turned aside.

I have not departed from the command of Your lips;

I have treasured the words of Your mouth more than my necessary food.

But You are unique and who can turn You?

And what Your soul desires, that You do.

For You perform what is appointed for me,

And many such decrees are with You.

(Job 23:8-14)

When I cannot sleep, eat, or focus, what is there left to do but trust that He has me under His hand? When I wake up shaking because of my dreams and am left believing that I have no one to turn to, what is there to do but call on His name over, and over again, whispering it aloud as I try to sleep? When it seems He is the only one Who cares to listen and trust me, I will talk. When I have no words to say, I trust His Spirit to intercede. When it feels as if I have no friends, I will run to the only One I know will never leave me. I look to the day where I see His face and know that all is for His glory. I will not stop seeking His will and I will not stop believing He will give me what my heart desires - for that He has promised.

All This Time

I remember the moment - Sitting on the far side of the living room while my parents told us that Mom had cancer.

I remember the pain - a broken heart, a collapsed world, and no hope.

I remember every single moment between that day five years ago, and the beautiful sunrise I watched this morning. From Mom's surgeries, sickness, bald heads.. All things cancer...

I remember the sobbing as she told me my uncle, her little brother, had cancer as well. The phone call from Grandma during his first surgery. The way he engulfed me in his huge hugs. I remember the heartache watching him and his family walk such a similar path. I remember the hug from my aunt at his funeral. The way his boys look so much like him and were so strong for their Mom.

But I also remember the hope. The way that Mom and Dad grew closer than ever before, with Dad serving Mom as Christ washed His disciples feet. I remember the laughter over the crazy wigs. I remember realizing just how much I love my parents. I remember planting the Hope garden, remembering my uncle, and praying for his family still. I remember the families that brought us meals. I remember all the tears, all the laughter, and I am grateful for all of it. Through all of it, I know that He has walked with us all of the time, and grown us closer together as a family because of it.

5

Five years... Five years filled with tears, heartache, joy, sadness, and growth. Five years watching the woman who has taught me so much, as she learned to be a woman who truly depended on God through *everything* she endured. Five years since that dreaded word became a regular in our family. But today? We celebrate the hyphen.. My beautiful Mom is cancer-free. She watched me graduate college two weeks ago, when we weren't sure she would make it to my high school graduation.. We both cried. I love you, Mom!!! I am *so* glad you are here, and I am so thankful for the example you have been, always clinging to Him. His love endures forever!!