Cry Hard

I was never a big cry-er. It took something catastrophic to unleash the waterworks.

That was until this year. The year of multiple jobs, more-than-full-time college, living away from home, relationships, friendships, graduation, moving home, starting work full-time.. The last full year has been the most challenging, gut-wrenching, sleepless, wonderful, beautiful, sad, joyful year.

There have been many tears. Tears of stress. Tears of fear. Tears of happiness. Tears of exhaustion. Tears of pain. Tears of thankfulness. They are the safety valve of the heart and they leak out when the pressure is just that high. Sometimes at night, when all is quiet. Or there are times that I find myself crying silently while driving to/from work, often remembering all that has happened. All that God has done and is still doing. Those times are precious, just He and I. He has heard my voice this past year more than I dare say He has in the other years of my life combined.

There are times when the tears hurt. When they come from that place that I don't even understand. Frustrated. Angry. 

There are times when they are sweet. When I am overwhelmed with His greatness and glory. Thankful. Awed by the way He is working.

There are times when they are sad. When I want to step in and fix everything for those I love. Aching. Pleading. Wanting so badly to see them safe. Strong.

Those tears often come with no words. Only a silent pleading can make it through the emotions. One night I flipped through the pages of my Bible in desperation, looking for anything that showed me He cared. That He heard me. 

He does hear, Loved one. He does care. 

Thou has taken account of my wanderings; 

Put my tears in Thy bottle; 

Are they not in Thy book?

Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call; 

This I know, that God is for me.

In God, whose word I praise,

In the Lord ,whose word I praise,

In God I have put my trust,

I shall not be afraid. 

Psalms 56:8-11

He is as aware of our tears as He is the birds that fall from the sky. And He cares so much more for us, for we are created in His image. Created to glorify Him. He is attentive to every thing that goes through our hearts and heads. 

I have learned that when those tears come, to cry hard. Let it out. But. Pray harder. He holds those tears as tightly as He holds you in His hand... And all that comes to you that might possibly cause tears, it has to go through His scarred hands first. 

I cry hard. But I pray harder, because I know that God is for me. Because I have faith that the One I trust, is for me. And I shall not be afraid. He holds my tears in His bottle. 

Discipline

But have nothing to do with worldly fables fit only for old women. 

On the other hand, discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; 

For bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things,

 Since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. 

1 Timothy 4:7-8

This September marks the first September since Kindergarten that I have not started school in some capacity. Watching all of my friends go back to classes, sports, and live the college life has been more than odd. Thankfully, there are still plenty of opportunities to see them and I have wonderfully discovered that I  don't have homework to hold me back from spur-of-the-moment weekend adventures or all-evening activities! Marvelous =)!

More importantly than the freedom of no homework, I discovered 1 Timothy 4:7-8 this week. Quite often when hearing friends talk about their class assignments, I find myself going "what about me? What am I supposed to be doing?" This is what I am to be doing. Those of us who are out of school, with a job (without, too), and not married or in a serious relationship have been given a blessing from God. The blessing to be able to discipline ourselves for godliness, as it is the only thing that is profitable for both right here and right now, as well as eternity. Everything else is a bonus. Everything else is for here and now. But disciplining ourselves in Him, for His purpose and His glory, that is for ever. 

I'm not saying that those who are in school can't do this, nor am I saying that those who are married or in a relationship can't do this. I have seen though, that without those two things in my life right now (both of which are very time consuming), I can give Him my undivided, totally focused attention. It has been amazing. Sweet. Challenging. Humbling. And wonderful. Lord willing, someday I will learn to do this alongside my husband. Until that time though, I am thankful that He has given me this time with Him, learning more of Who He is and what it means to be a woman of integrity in this world.

When we stand before Him someday God isn't going to ask us if we graduated with honors, what our GPA was, or if we made Phi Theta Kappa. We are deceived in this world by the mentality that education matters. Yes, it does. But it does not matter the most.

The same with physical appearance and extracurricular activities. Do I spend more time working out, slimming down (ladies) or bulking up (guys) than I do in His word? Do I spend more time shopping and organizing my closet than I do in prayer? For me, those two are easy to say no to. But if you ask about education, that stops me. I did well in high school and even better in college, and now feel pressure to perform to that standard in everything academic. Even now, less than 5 months after I walked across the stage during graduation, it doesn't matter if I did it with honors, or if I barely passed. It is gone. What matters is the impact I had on the people that I went to school with. Was I a light to them? Did people know Him because of me? Was I an encouragement? That is what people remember. 

Bodily discipline - everything pertaining to this world - is profitable for a time. Someday, it simply won't matter. 

Godliness is the only thing that we can invest in now that will matter through eternity. 

Consider

During our worship service yesterday in church I was letting my mind wander, mulling over all the ways that this Labor Day weekend was different from last Labor Day weekend. That morning before church I was honestly starting to pull a 'tude...

"God, this isn't fair. So much is different from last year. My best friends have literally and figuratively moved and aren't here with me like they were last year.. Everyone is acting differently. I'm not in school anymore, and I don't like that. Every single thing I Loved in my life has changed and left me behind."

Needless to say, I was throwing a slight  major pity party.

As the worship songs transitioned I went to pull my tithe check from the pages of my Bible. As I slipped it into the passing basket, I realized how amazing it was that I was able to tithe. Not only did I actually have resources to tithe from, but this was the first tithe to come from my salary as a PTA. As I gave a monetary percentage back to God, the tears started to roll. 

"Father, You did it. I graduated. I completed the degree. You orchestrated everything to this point today, from my first knee surgery to knowing what classes I needed to transfer. You set this path before me, and I have taken the first step. I have my license. You brought me through the terrors of having no one I knew by giving me incredible friends. You gave me strength when I was physically and emotionally drained. You gave me the drive to study, and it brought me high honors. You stayed with me when I came home and all had changed. You comfort me with Your Word during late nights when I am lonely and broken. In all this last year, You are my Rock. You have been Steadfast. You are always there, and have always been there. You have shown me more of You than I have ever known before. Take this offering, as a way for me to show just some of my thanks to You. For all YOU have done, and all that I know You will still do."

The joy of being able to give back to Him after realizing that everything this past year has had nothing to do with what I did, but what He did, overwhelmed my lousy attitude. It really is amazing to see that in one year so much has happened. Some good, some heart breaking, some wonderful, some unsettling, some challenging. 

Transitioning from a student to the working world, with friends moving and changing is not necessarily a joyous time. It is true that nothing is as it was... Except for Him. It is also true that nothing will be as it was...  Except for my Lord. 

Only fear the Lord and serve him in truth with all your heart; 

for consider what great things He has done for you. 

1 Samuel 12:24.

On the challenging days I must not forget to remind myself of all He has done, rather than stewing over all I think He has not. He truly does great things for those who serve Him with all of their hearts, and He Loves it when we acknowledge and Love Him for what He has done. 

Blossom

"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud 

was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." 

-Anais Nin

The time to bloom may come at the time of deepest hurt and pain... Yet the Master Gardener, our Heavenly Father, will grow us through that time to blossom one petal at a time. To fight His work and pridefully refuse growth will only cause pain and increasing heartache. Let Him open your heart petal by petal. Whatever risk comes with blossoming, comes through His hands, scarred with His Love for you.

50 Shades of Christian Smut

One of my joys of being home and not currently working (although that time is almost past) has been my trips to the library where I spend hours pouring over the aisles of books. I also discovered that the Salvation Army generally has a good amount of books that look like they just came off the shelf at a Christian bookstore. I love reading. I always have. Losing myself in the pages of a book is one of my favorite ways to relax and unwind.

Something I have noticed recently is that most books out there, whether labeled "Christian" or not(in our library, these books have a little sticker of Jesus on the binding), are not edifying or encouraging to Christian woman. Time and time again I have brought home a book with the sticker of what they assume Jesus looked like on the binder, only to read the first few chapters and put it down in frustration. They often weave stories of love among everything else in the story until you realize it has become the main focus of the story. Many of them focus on the dissatisfaction a couple has in their marriage. They tell of adultery. They delve into lust, anger, and unrealistic happiness. There is a danger that both girls and women will look at these books and become unsatisfied with the relationship that they do have or become expectant of an unrealistically happy relationship someday. It's not safe, and it can help turn marriage into an idol.

While I was at a clinical rotation the talk of the lunch hour was about a popular series: Fify Shades of Grey. *gags* I heard over and over again how they couldn't read it without blushing and that they had to hide what they were reading from their children. For those that don't know, this book is composed primarily of  'pornography for women' and is considered to be one of the most erotic series ever written. I overheard conversations of how the book made these woman wish for something more "exciting" or "thrilling" in their love life. I've heard a lot of trash talk towards these books, and rightly so - they are horrible. However, I think most of us are a little too quick to judge. The 50 Shades series has caused as much impatience and frustration as many of the leading Christian series have, whether we are willing to admit it or not.

I had to ask myself. Was reading a book worth sacrificing my future relationship with my husband or my heart? Was I willing to give up God's idea of marriage for a few hundred pages of "Christian" romance? Was I okay with choosing someone's made-up story of love for the story of Love that God has already given us? I wasn't. When I saw the similarities, I had to give up the "Christian smut," as one of my friends calls it. I became much more cautious about what I took home and if I found myself going all bleary eyed over the pages... It had to be put down. It's not always easy, but I have noticed that within the last year I have lost my taste for these books. I have also noticed that my image of marriage has come more from the Love story that He has written between His Son and the Church.

My reading list has expanded since then. It includes books such as Revolution in World Missions (K.P. Yohannan), A Hunger for God (John Piper),  The Sacred Romance (Brent Curtis and John Eldredge), Faithful Woman and their Extraordinary God (Noel Piper), Tramp for the Lord (Corrie ten Boom), Mere Christianity (C.S. Lewis), The Screwtape Letters (Lewis), as well as reading through the Bible. I come away from reading not only feeling relaxed, but challenged and more in love with Who my God is. No shade of smut is worth that.

iPhone, or real life?

If I could do a compilation of Facebook posts from the last week or so, it would look something like this...

Headed to the Keweenaw. The last time I was up here was for graduation, surrounded by my favorite people. Now there is no school involved. Weird feeling.

First impressions are high when salt water taffy is involved.

Branded in Christ, growing old in the brand, and making a monument.

Praying, and needing coffee...

Someday, I want to hear the words "Well done." Shortly followed by "Come here, and give me a hug." To know our Father on that level would bring more joy than words can say.

Danced in Lake Superior in the moonlight.

Finished Numbers.

Asia. Muslims. Missions. The Church of Jesus Christ. I have learning to do.

'Revolution in World Missions' is a book worth reading.

Jam Pot cookies = delectable.

None of these actually were posted, because I was without cellphone signal and internet all week. It. Was. Marvelous. I had a week to do many other things. In a week without a cellphone, I read all of the book of Numbers. I attended chapel services twice a day. I went hiking above and below ground. I spent time with my family. We played the longest UNO game I have ever participated in. I prayed. Journaled. Saw friends. Made new ones. I learned about 2 Peter 1 and the missions field in Asia. As well as the missions field in the US. I stayed up late and got up early.

What could you do if you spent less time on your phone, computer, iPad, or other electronic device? What are you/am I missing by always having a phone glued to our ear or fingers? While in tune with FB, Twitter, texting, and Instagram, what are you not seeing that is right around you? Nothing irritates me more than realizing that someone can't set their phone down and walk away from it for a day. Or even a few hours.

As technology advances, it is easy to spend more time glued to it. Even with my phone, I can play games, surf the internet, write a blog post, take and edit pictures, check my email, as well as call and text. Lately, I've been working on keeping it on silent and checking it every few hours, as well as taking the games and social media apps off of it. Why? Because I realized that if we were like that with our Bibles, always checking them for clarification or new material, reading them, and unable to go somewhere without them, what would our world be like? I dare say, more God-glorifying than it is now.  And I'd rather tally the hours I spent reading His Word and Loving those He puts around me, than suffer from carpal tunnel someday due to too much thumb-action!

Wounds

As a PTA, one of the things I was taught to do in school was wound care. As a little girl who was always picking at her scabs and examining her cuts and scrapes (of which there were plenty), I didn't mind this course as some of my classmates did. Granted, what I saw was much more in-depth than a scraped knee. Pressure sores to the bone, incisions that refused to heal, toes that were falling off exposing tendon... It was a somewhat gruesome experience.

Even with the variety that I saw, one thing didn't change among the different wounds. They heal from the inside out. The top doesn't heal over leaving the area underneath to heal once the area looks better cosmetically. Rather, the wound slowly grows up and in, allowing everyone who cares to look to see the healing process. It is a painful process. The patient did not ask for this wound, they didn't ask for it to take weeks, months, or years to heal. But they have it, and now they must help it heal. Sometimes the wound is full of hard, dead, black skin that has to be meticulously picked out in order for the new tissue to fill in the area. Other times, the wound is blood red (think raw hamburger). It is healthy, but it bleeds as it heals. 

Everywhere around you there are people with wounds. Not the type of  wounds that are easily identified by band-aids or wound-vacs, but deeper wounds. Wounds to the spirit, the heart, or the mind. In the same way that physical wounds cannot heal healthily by covering over the top and then leaving the underneath gaping... Emotional wounds cannot heal this way either. It might be easier to just cover up the painful area and ignore it, but there will not be any true healing taking place. Rather, there will be festering and anger that build up just as quickly as dead tissue would in a real wound. In order to heal and grow new tissue, we must be willing to heal from the inside out. This time, rather than using saline solution, gauze, or whirlpools, we have to turn to a different list to help us grow.

Trust. 

The Lord is my Strength and my Shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him. Psalms 28:7

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18

This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified by it. John 11:4

Refuge.

But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all Thy works. Psalms 73:28

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all out affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Love.

Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. John 15:9

Let all that you do be done in Love. 1 Corinthians 16:13

Humility.

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

Wisdom.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. James 3:17

As obedient children... like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior. 1 Peter 1:14-15

Forgiveness.

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your transgressions. Mark 11:25.

And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32.

For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you also. Matthew 6:14.

Prayer.

Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually. 1 Chronicles 16:11

With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints. Ephesians 6:18

Pray without ceasing. 1 Thessalonians 5:17

A broken heart will still be painful. The rejection will still grate at you. The hurtful words will echo in your ears. But we serve a God we can trust. He is our refuge. He Loves us. He teaches us what it means to be humble. He gives us His wisdom. He has shown us how to forgive. He wants us to come to Him in prayer. When you're hurting, an arrogant and prideful attitude will not lead you anywhere. Healing happens from the inside out. It starts in your heart, with your attitude. You must make the choice each day to act in a way that honors God, rather than reacting and hurting those around you. 

You have to make the choice to let Him heal you. He will come alongside you and clear out the dead tissue. He will cleanse the wound with His tears, for when His children hurt He does as well. He will nurture it to health so that it can heal. The wound may bleed and may still be painful, but with His care, it will heal.