Ishi

During my morning coffee dates with God, I've been reading through Captivating by John and Stasi Eldgredge. That book has brought tears, laughter, hope, and a longing to know God in a new and exciting way. 

There are very few books that I've read that haven't convicted me of all I'm not doing as a "good Christian woman." Laying out all I've done and left me feeling horribly short of what I "should" be, according to the author. This is a book that calls to the heart of a woman to Love God in the way she desires to be Loved. A book that encourages the woman's heart to take her longing for security, romance, and purity to the Lord. To Love Him as a Beloved, rather than a master. 

Morning dates with God are better when you have retractable crayons to highlight the things that stand out :)

The God of the Universe wants us to know Him as Ishi; "My Husband." He desires to betroth us to Him (and He says it three times) in righteousness, justice, lovingkindness, compassion, and faithfulness. These are all the things that He is, that we are not, unless we walk with Him. These are the things that a woman's heart longs for. That ultimately, we will find in Him if we pursue an intimate, bare-all relationship with Him. 

This concept still hasn't sunk in to my mind yet. That this is how He wants to Love us. That this Love and betrothal to Him will last forever. There is not one relationship on this earth that is eternal, that will last forever. This is how we will know the Lord. It hasn't sunk in, but it makes my heart excited. When I read through those verses, the longing to know Him was overwhelming. To know Him forever. In righteousness. In justice. In lovingkindness. In compassion. And, in faithfulness. It is not a regime of rules and laws. It is a binding of Love. I can only imagine how much more we will strive to shout His name, if we Love Him so.  

Cry Hard

I was never a big cry-er. It took something catastrophic to unleash the waterworks.

That was until this year. The year of multiple jobs, more-than-full-time college, living away from home, relationships, friendships, graduation, moving home, starting work full-time.. The last full year has been the most challenging, gut-wrenching, sleepless, wonderful, beautiful, sad, joyful year.

There have been many tears. Tears of stress. Tears of fear. Tears of happiness. Tears of exhaustion. Tears of pain. Tears of thankfulness. They are the safety valve of the heart and they leak out when the pressure is just that high. Sometimes at night, when all is quiet. Or there are times that I find myself crying silently while driving to/from work, often remembering all that has happened. All that God has done and is still doing. Those times are precious, just He and I. He has heard my voice this past year more than I dare say He has in the other years of my life combined.

There are times when the tears hurt. When they come from that place that I don't even understand. Frustrated. Angry. 

There are times when they are sweet. When I am overwhelmed with His greatness and glory. Thankful. Awed by the way He is working.

There are times when they are sad. When I want to step in and fix everything for those I love. Aching. Pleading. Wanting so badly to see them safe. Strong.

Those tears often come with no words. Only a silent pleading can make it through the emotions. One night I flipped through the pages of my Bible in desperation, looking for anything that showed me He cared. That He heard me. 

He does hear, Loved one. He does care. 

Thou has taken account of my wanderings; 

Put my tears in Thy bottle; 

Are they not in Thy book?

Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call; 

This I know, that God is for me.

In God, whose word I praise,

In the Lord ,whose word I praise,

In God I have put my trust,

I shall not be afraid. 

Psalms 56:8-11

He is as aware of our tears as He is the birds that fall from the sky. And He cares so much more for us, for we are created in His image. Created to glorify Him. He is attentive to every thing that goes through our hearts and heads. 

I have learned that when those tears come, to cry hard. Let it out. But. Pray harder. He holds those tears as tightly as He holds you in His hand... And all that comes to you that might possibly cause tears, it has to go through His scarred hands first. 

I cry hard. But I pray harder, because I know that God is for me. Because I have faith that the One I trust, is for me. And I shall not be afraid. He holds my tears in His bottle. 

Discipline

But have nothing to do with worldly fables fit only for old women. 

On the other hand, discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; 

For bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things,

 Since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. 

1 Timothy 4:7-8

This September marks the first September since Kindergarten that I have not started school in some capacity. Watching all of my friends go back to classes, sports, and live the college life has been more than odd. Thankfully, there are still plenty of opportunities to see them and I have wonderfully discovered that I  don't have homework to hold me back from spur-of-the-moment weekend adventures or all-evening activities! Marvelous =)!

More importantly than the freedom of no homework, I discovered 1 Timothy 4:7-8 this week. Quite often when hearing friends talk about their class assignments, I find myself going "what about me? What am I supposed to be doing?" This is what I am to be doing. Those of us who are out of school, with a job (without, too), and not married or in a serious relationship have been given a blessing from God. The blessing to be able to discipline ourselves for godliness, as it is the only thing that is profitable for both right here and right now, as well as eternity. Everything else is a bonus. Everything else is for here and now. But disciplining ourselves in Him, for His purpose and His glory, that is for ever. 

I'm not saying that those who are in school can't do this, nor am I saying that those who are married or in a relationship can't do this. I have seen though, that without those two things in my life right now (both of which are very time consuming), I can give Him my undivided, totally focused attention. It has been amazing. Sweet. Challenging. Humbling. And wonderful. Lord willing, someday I will learn to do this alongside my husband. Until that time though, I am thankful that He has given me this time with Him, learning more of Who He is and what it means to be a woman of integrity in this world.

When we stand before Him someday God isn't going to ask us if we graduated with honors, what our GPA was, or if we made Phi Theta Kappa. We are deceived in this world by the mentality that education matters. Yes, it does. But it does not matter the most.

The same with physical appearance and extracurricular activities. Do I spend more time working out, slimming down (ladies) or bulking up (guys) than I do in His word? Do I spend more time shopping and organizing my closet than I do in prayer? For me, those two are easy to say no to. But if you ask about education, that stops me. I did well in high school and even better in college, and now feel pressure to perform to that standard in everything academic. Even now, less than 5 months after I walked across the stage during graduation, it doesn't matter if I did it with honors, or if I barely passed. It is gone. What matters is the impact I had on the people that I went to school with. Was I a light to them? Did people know Him because of me? Was I an encouragement? That is what people remember. 

Bodily discipline - everything pertaining to this world - is profitable for a time. Someday, it simply won't matter. 

Godliness is the only thing that we can invest in now that will matter through eternity. 

Consider

During our worship service yesterday in church I was letting my mind wander, mulling over all the ways that this Labor Day weekend was different from last Labor Day weekend. That morning before church I was honestly starting to pull a 'tude...

"God, this isn't fair. So much is different from last year. My best friends have literally and figuratively moved and aren't here with me like they were last year.. Everyone is acting differently. I'm not in school anymore, and I don't like that. Every single thing I Loved in my life has changed and left me behind."

Needless to say, I was throwing a slight  major pity party.

As the worship songs transitioned I went to pull my tithe check from the pages of my Bible. As I slipped it into the passing basket, I realized how amazing it was that I was able to tithe. Not only did I actually have resources to tithe from, but this was the first tithe to come from my salary as a PTA. As I gave a monetary percentage back to God, the tears started to roll. 

"Father, You did it. I graduated. I completed the degree. You orchestrated everything to this point today, from my first knee surgery to knowing what classes I needed to transfer. You set this path before me, and I have taken the first step. I have my license. You brought me through the terrors of having no one I knew by giving me incredible friends. You gave me strength when I was physically and emotionally drained. You gave me the drive to study, and it brought me high honors. You stayed with me when I came home and all had changed. You comfort me with Your Word during late nights when I am lonely and broken. In all this last year, You are my Rock. You have been Steadfast. You are always there, and have always been there. You have shown me more of You than I have ever known before. Take this offering, as a way for me to show just some of my thanks to You. For all YOU have done, and all that I know You will still do."

The joy of being able to give back to Him after realizing that everything this past year has had nothing to do with what I did, but what He did, overwhelmed my lousy attitude. It really is amazing to see that in one year so much has happened. Some good, some heart breaking, some wonderful, some unsettling, some challenging. 

Transitioning from a student to the working world, with friends moving and changing is not necessarily a joyous time. It is true that nothing is as it was... Except for Him. It is also true that nothing will be as it was...  Except for my Lord. 

Only fear the Lord and serve him in truth with all your heart; 

for consider what great things He has done for you. 

1 Samuel 12:24.

On the challenging days I must not forget to remind myself of all He has done, rather than stewing over all I think He has not. He truly does great things for those who serve Him with all of their hearts, and He Loves it when we acknowledge and Love Him for what He has done. 

Blossom

"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud 

was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." 

-Anais Nin

The time to bloom may come at the time of deepest hurt and pain... Yet the Master Gardener, our Heavenly Father, will grow us through that time to blossom one petal at a time. To fight His work and pridefully refuse growth will only cause pain and increasing heartache. Let Him open your heart petal by petal. Whatever risk comes with blossoming, comes through His hands, scarred with His Love for you.

50 Shades of Christian Smut

One of my joys of being home and not currently working (although that time is almost past) has been my trips to the library where I spend hours pouring over the aisles of books. I also discovered that the Salvation Army generally has a good amount of books that look like they just came off the shelf at a Christian bookstore. I love reading. I always have. Losing myself in the pages of a book is one of my favorite ways to relax and unwind.

Something I have noticed recently is that most books out there, whether labeled "Christian" or not(in our library, these books have a little sticker of Jesus on the binding), are not edifying or encouraging to Christian woman. Time and time again I have brought home a book with the sticker of what they assume Jesus looked like on the binder, only to read the first few chapters and put it down in frustration. They often weave stories of love among everything else in the story until you realize it has become the main focus of the story. Many of them focus on the dissatisfaction a couple has in their marriage. They tell of adultery. They delve into lust, anger, and unrealistic happiness. There is a danger that both girls and women will look at these books and become unsatisfied with the relationship that they do have or become expectant of an unrealistically happy relationship someday. It's not safe, and it can help turn marriage into an idol.

While I was at a clinical rotation the talk of the lunch hour was about a popular series: Fify Shades of Grey. *gags* I heard over and over again how they couldn't read it without blushing and that they had to hide what they were reading from their children. For those that don't know, this book is composed primarily of  'pornography for women' and is considered to be one of the most erotic series ever written. I overheard conversations of how the book made these woman wish for something more "exciting" or "thrilling" in their love life. I've heard a lot of trash talk towards these books, and rightly so - they are horrible. However, I think most of us are a little too quick to judge. The 50 Shades series has caused as much impatience and frustration as many of the leading Christian series have, whether we are willing to admit it or not.

I had to ask myself. Was reading a book worth sacrificing my future relationship with my husband or my heart? Was I willing to give up God's idea of marriage for a few hundred pages of "Christian" romance? Was I okay with choosing someone's made-up story of love for the story of Love that God has already given us? I wasn't. When I saw the similarities, I had to give up the "Christian smut," as one of my friends calls it. I became much more cautious about what I took home and if I found myself going all bleary eyed over the pages... It had to be put down. It's not always easy, but I have noticed that within the last year I have lost my taste for these books. I have also noticed that my image of marriage has come more from the Love story that He has written between His Son and the Church.

My reading list has expanded since then. It includes books such as Revolution in World Missions (K.P. Yohannan), A Hunger for God (John Piper),  The Sacred Romance (Brent Curtis and John Eldredge), Faithful Woman and their Extraordinary God (Noel Piper), Tramp for the Lord (Corrie ten Boom), Mere Christianity (C.S. Lewis), The Screwtape Letters (Lewis), as well as reading through the Bible. I come away from reading not only feeling relaxed, but challenged and more in love with Who my God is. No shade of smut is worth that.

iPhone, or real life?

If I could do a compilation of Facebook posts from the last week or so, it would look something like this...

Headed to the Keweenaw. The last time I was up here was for graduation, surrounded by my favorite people. Now there is no school involved. Weird feeling.

First impressions are high when salt water taffy is involved.

Branded in Christ, growing old in the brand, and making a monument.

Praying, and needing coffee...

Someday, I want to hear the words "Well done." Shortly followed by "Come here, and give me a hug." To know our Father on that level would bring more joy than words can say.

Danced in Lake Superior in the moonlight.

Finished Numbers.

Asia. Muslims. Missions. The Church of Jesus Christ. I have learning to do.

'Revolution in World Missions' is a book worth reading.

Jam Pot cookies = delectable.

None of these actually were posted, because I was without cellphone signal and internet all week. It. Was. Marvelous. I had a week to do many other things. In a week without a cellphone, I read all of the book of Numbers. I attended chapel services twice a day. I went hiking above and below ground. I spent time with my family. We played the longest UNO game I have ever participated in. I prayed. Journaled. Saw friends. Made new ones. I learned about 2 Peter 1 and the missions field in Asia. As well as the missions field in the US. I stayed up late and got up early.

What could you do if you spent less time on your phone, computer, iPad, or other electronic device? What are you/am I missing by always having a phone glued to our ear or fingers? While in tune with FB, Twitter, texting, and Instagram, what are you not seeing that is right around you? Nothing irritates me more than realizing that someone can't set their phone down and walk away from it for a day. Or even a few hours.

As technology advances, it is easy to spend more time glued to it. Even with my phone, I can play games, surf the internet, write a blog post, take and edit pictures, check my email, as well as call and text. Lately, I've been working on keeping it on silent and checking it every few hours, as well as taking the games and social media apps off of it. Why? Because I realized that if we were like that with our Bibles, always checking them for clarification or new material, reading them, and unable to go somewhere without them, what would our world be like? I dare say, more God-glorifying than it is now.  And I'd rather tally the hours I spent reading His Word and Loving those He puts around me, than suffer from carpal tunnel someday due to too much thumb-action!