Achingly Transparent

A beautiful day. Blue sky, green grass, a picnic table in the sun... Yet there are tears smearing the words I write. I pray this aloud through the tears as I write, with no other words to say I am thankful that He gives me the words.

Behold, I go forward but You are not there,

And backward, but I cannot perceive You;

When You act on the left, 

I cannot behold You;

You turn on the right,

I cannot see You.

But You know the way I take;

When You have tried me,

I shall come forth as gold.

My foot has held fast to Your path;

I have kept Your way and not turned aside.

I have not departed from the command of Your lips;

I have treasured the words of Your mouth more than my necessary food.

But You are unique and who can turn You?

And what Your soul desires, that You do.

For You perform what is appointed for me,

And many such decrees are with You.

(Job 23:8-14)

When I cannot sleep, eat, or focus, what is there left to do but trust that He has me under His hand? When I wake up shaking because of my dreams and am left believing that I have no one to turn to, what is there to do but call on His name over, and over again, whispering it aloud as I try to sleep? When it seems He is the only one Who cares to listen and trust me, I will talk. When I have no words to say, I trust His Spirit to intercede. When it feels as if I have no friends, I will run to the only One I know will never leave me. I look to the day where I see His face and know that all is for His glory. I will not stop seeking His will and I will not stop believing He will give me what my heart desires - for that He has promised.

All This Time

I remember the moment - Sitting on the far side of the living room while my parents told us that Mom had cancer.

I remember the pain - a broken heart, a collapsed world, and no hope.

I remember every single moment between that day five years ago, and the beautiful sunrise I watched this morning. From Mom's surgeries, sickness, bald heads.. All things cancer...

I remember the sobbing as she told me my uncle, her little brother, had cancer as well. The phone call from Grandma during his first surgery. The way he engulfed me in his huge hugs. I remember the heartache watching him and his family walk such a similar path. I remember the hug from my aunt at his funeral. The way his boys look so much like him and were so strong for their Mom.

But I also remember the hope. The way that Mom and Dad grew closer than ever before, with Dad serving Mom as Christ washed His disciples feet. I remember the laughter over the crazy wigs. I remember realizing just how much I love my parents. I remember planting the Hope garden, remembering my uncle, and praying for his family still. I remember the families that brought us meals. I remember all the tears, all the laughter, and I am grateful for all of it. Through all of it, I know that He has walked with us all of the time, and grown us closer together as a family because of it.

5

Five years... Five years filled with tears, heartache, joy, sadness, and growth. Five years watching the woman who has taught me so much, as she learned to be a woman who truly depended on God through *everything* she endured. Five years since that dreaded word became a regular in our family. But today? We celebrate the hyphen.. My beautiful Mom is cancer-free. She watched me graduate college two weeks ago, when we weren't sure she would make it to my high school graduation.. We both cried. I love you, Mom!!! I am *so* glad you are here, and I am so thankful for the example you have been, always clinging to Him. His love endures forever!!