Reminders.

I think we all struggle with this to a point. We get hit with something scary or intimidating, and we freeze. We don't think coherently. We don't make sense. We're irrational. We don't want to be rational. We want a quick fix and an easy out of whatever just happened that we don't like.

Last week, Tuesday, May 10th was the 4 year mark since Mom had been diagnosed with cancer. That's one of those days that you wake up feeling so blessed to be celebrating that she is still here, while at the same time wondering what the future holds.

When Mom was sick one of the things I struggled with was not instantly reacting to everything we were faced with. I can fake a calm front, but inside I am going nuts as I try to get a grasp of what's going on and figure out what I can do to fix it.

On Tuesday, I had just finished one of my final exams when I got a text from Mom. This in itself was weird enough, she rarely texts me... "Am on my way to ED having hard time breathing maybe asthma."

First, Mom never goes to the ED. She hates the ED.

Second, her asthma never gets that bad.

Third, I froze. I couldn't really speak and was too scared to move.

All the memories came rushing back. The memories of sitting in the living room as Mom and Dad told us our lives had just changed. Of waiting for Mom during her first surgery, and the sick feeling I got when I saw her in her hospital room. The memories of emergency trips to the hospital because she was so dehydrated and couldn't stop vomiting.

That's all that I could think about.... Thankfully God gave me exactly what I needed at that time, including immediate reminders that He was in control. He had a purpose. Mom was in the best place she could be, no matter what was going on. A reminder to pray. To trust. To listen to Him. I kind of wish I had a voice recorder and could replay those reminders every time I start freaking out... I need those reminders, and sometimes they have to be verbal, right then, in my face.

Every time I think that I am getting a grasp on trusting Him and knowing what's going on, He gives me a reminder that I don't have it all figured out. That there is always more room to grow.

This was one of His more shocking, less gentle reminders. A reminder I am thankful for, but nonetheless still caused my heart to skip a beat or six.

I realized a couple days later that while I was focused on all the negative things that came from what Mom went through I was completely glancing over the joys that came from that time... Scrabble games during chemo, hat and scarf shopping, laughing over silly wigs, the amazing meals people brought our family, the lessons I learned about caring for my sisters, playing with sea-cucumbers in Newfoundland, breakwall jumping on the last day of radiation, Dad Loving Mom in sickness and in health, my walk with Christ becoming my own, late night prayer times, getting to show Christ to all of the nurses, doctors, and techs we came in contact with, and most importantly, our strengthening as a family in Christ.

These are all incredible experiences, and these are just a few. The list could go on forever. The storm that we were going through has come to be one of our biggest blessings. I'm not saying that there weren't negative impacts in some ways - there were. But overall, the things that God grew us in during the year and a half of treatment is priceless.

I am thankful to Him for the reminders He gives us. I am thankful that He gives grace when we need it. I am thankful He takes our trials and turns them into testimonies of His Power. I am thankful He gives us the strength and encouragement we need, exactly when we need it. His timing is perfect in the things He shows us, the people He places around us, and all that He does. There is no doubt!

(Mom is ok now, for those who just got to the end of this and are wondering.. After spending all day in ED, we think it was an allergic reaction to walnuts. =(. I can promise you, she will not be eating any anytime soon!)